


A Pendulum In Time

by Butch_DeLorias_Waifu



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, No More Heroes (Video Games), Pendulum/Knife Party, Persona 5, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: this story brought to you by medical marijuana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 15:47:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21412669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butch_DeLorias_Waifu/pseuds/Butch_DeLorias_Waifu
Summary: Pendulum decide to go back in time to destroy the Sistine Chapel, to prevent the existence of that Granite remix
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	A Pendulum In Time

Rob Swire was angry about the Amazon River because it didn't give Cleopatra free shipping on her new summer resort pyramid. He channeled pure fuck energy into his fists then clawed the fabric of space and time asunder, flew backwards in time, then falcon punched a T-Rex. It called him an asshole, then dissolved into 1036 bats which killed all the pterosaurs and were the real start of the Velocirapture, not that poser Christopher Columbus-ass meteor which hogs all the glory from the R-Rex bats. Also, no T-Rex eggs have been found because they reproduced by budding. Medullary bone tissue is vestigial and a lie

Anyway Rob returned to Cleopatra's time. He yelled at the river for being lazy. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, an e-commerce site called Nile is giving free same day shipping to all of the Egypt and beyond

So, Rob went forward in time and flew to the Sistine Chapel by flapping his legs like a sharovipteryx that Chrono Trigger forgot. He called through the heavens, summoning his bandmates. But this isn't dragon balls, this is CUTLERY BASED WARFARE, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS YOU DIMENSION 69 PLEBS also Rob can fly not just glide. Soon, a familiar hornet caught up to Rob, who had been commissioned to make many sandwiches for the people of Italy

El Hornet looked like a sphinx with a human head on a man-sized hornet body.

Rob raised an eyebrow. "Why are you wearing that hornet suit?"

"I need a powered suit to fly. Besides, it's got hidden weaponry."

The soi soi soi of roflcopter blades drew near as KJ Sawka caught up with El Hornet and Rob, twirling his drumsticks at 69 times the speed of sound in order to fly like the military helicopter he always dreamed of becoming ever since he was freed from the lycantaloupe curse once and for all. Peredur led the troupe upon his bicycle, enchanted by witchcraft to fly like Mary Poppins.

"Is Gareth keeping up?"

Rob nodded. "Don't worry about Gaz. He can't fly but that's because his nuclear legs are our ace in the hole, atomic bombs which will explode all of Europe with one kick should the need arise.

"But that explosive power...it's for one thing and one thing only."

El Hornet stared Rob in the eye.  
"The Sistine Chapel?"

Rob nodded.

"Yes. We must destroy it. That way the world will never have to hear that wretched Granite remix. The world will be saved by its undeath of unexistence!"

"Vatican City ahead!" Peredur called out to his bandmates.

Rob Swire called out. "I'll handle the Renaissance reconnaissance. You, Gaz, get into position."

"Got it!" Gaz, no longer needing to restrain his speed so his much slower flying mates could keep up, zoomed invisibly fast into the Chapel, where he crouched beneath God's ass for cover. No one saw or heard him enter because he can run faster than light.

No one, but Michelangelo himself.

The portraits were all wrong. Michelangelo was a man with the head of a snapping turtle, not a beard. And he wore a huge, stupid looking paintbrush shaped hat on his head, which he never took off. He's also Cleopatra's bastard son with Horus. Being a demigod is why he resembles a turtle man. He bit his mother's nipple every time he nursed, so she told everyone it was an asp so Isis and Anubis would stop fucking texting her at 4 in the Ra-damned morning asking where her nipple holes keep coming from.

Eventually, Isis and Anubis got so annoying with their free unlimited texting data plan, Cleopatra sent her son forward in time to Italy. There he got named Michelangelo.

Michelangelo gazed down upon the peculiarly dressed man. The garb was so fascinating to him, he immediately believed Gareth to be a nobleman from a foreign land.

Michelangelo spoke. The translator hidden under Gaz's hat transcribes all his speech to English.

"Hello. My name is Michelangelo. I am a fine artist, and I painted the murals you see all over this Chapel."

Gareth nodded. "My favorite part of the mural is Adam."

Michelangelo smiled. "Ah, a man of culture, I see. Very well, then. I deem you worthy of meeting my true form."

Michelangelo firmly gripped his snapping turtle head and yanked it clean off. It was animatronic. Inside the body, all of which was animatronic, sat a tuxedo cat in the rib cage cockpit.

Michelangelo was once a fully organic/divine demigod, but Judas, the ultimate connoisseur of art, was disappointed in the wonky female anatomies of the Sistine Chapel's artwork. He went back in time, killed Michelangelo then turned his body into a bio-mech suit, like a Power Armor invented by William Afton.

"You see, Gareth, all the "great artists of history" are a lie. They were all fabrications, personas in my immortal lifespan...oh what's that, you actually believe that myth that cats have only 9 lives...?

"Pisspisspisspisspiss! You idiotic monkeys with anxiety, I've lured all of you to one place so you can watch while I enact PHASE TWO of my grand plan! Furtherfore, my name is not Zim, so I have not forgotten it after thousands of years of art shenanigans spanning generations, dimensions and beyond.

"Now that your history books are packed to the brim with GENIUSES like Leonardo da Vinci, Salvador Dali, and of course Michelangelo...it is time for me to reveal the truth in this timeline. THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME, SINGULAR, IS JUDAS THE CAT!"

Judas laughed so maniacally, like Light Yagami after snorting blow out of L's asshole and watching Spongebob Squarepants in nothing but a thong, his distinct feline laughter echoed through the fourth wall.

It alerted a furious man from another dimension, who sought revenge.

As Judasangelo continued standing over a terrified Gaz while laughing insanely, a gash appeared in the continuum of space and time right behind Judasangelo. The gash was made by a beam weapon of some sort.

Gaz's eyes went wide. "A LIGHT SABER?!?"

The man crawled through the gash. "For FUCK'S SAKE, I'm not even IN this dimension yet and already you uncultured troglodytes are callin' my beam katana a light saber. Oh, fuck off, this baby is WAY cooler.

"But I'm not here to bitch at you, man in the baseball cap. I'm here for the oreo pussycat with the nose spot -- YOU!"

Travis Touchdown lunged at Judasangelo, but his plasma blade was parried by the paintbrush hat. Judasangelo popped the bristle section off, revealing a bayonet-like weapon within.

Travis roared with the fury of a raging tiger. "YOU SON OF A PUSSY!! YOU GOT MY CAT PREGNANT AND NEVER ONCE PAID UP ON THE CHILD SUPPORT! Do you even KNOW how expensive it is supporting 7 kids?! Talking cats eat just as much as children do, you know."

Judasangelo's whiskers dropped. He sweated nervously inside the man suit, knowing full well he was outmatched. "Uh...how much we talkin...?"

Travis fixed his glasses. "Jeane's kittens are 6 now so...better find a loan shar--"

A deafening crash ended that conversation. Rob Swire fell through the ceiling and landed smack in the middle of everyone. That one tile in the entire building collapsed under Rob's weight while he was being James Bond if he made a flesh-binding pact with Baphomet. This spot was compromised because an empire of cockroaches had nonstop freaky sex in there, all day everyday, shaking its ground until it gave way under Rob's mighty man legs.

Rob Swire saw Travis Touchdown pointing his beam katana at Judas' throat.

"Get the fuck away from my cat with that weird light saber!!!"

Travis foamed at the mouth. His eyes did Acid Armor.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! THAT IS THE LAST. FUCKING TIME I GET MISWEAPONED!!"

Travis turned his focus toward Rob and charged at him. Rob dodged the incoming swing by doing a barrel roll on the ground. He burrowed to safety like a mole named Ivan Drago, then sealed the burrow-pixel-tight with a magic floating girder he telepathically summoned from the worm dimension. To breathe, he stole 69 sea turtles and 420 sea cucumbers, so their buttholes can fart him enough air to survive until Sudden Death kicks in and Travis inevitably hurts himself in confusion like the Ultra Beast that he is.

Travis didn't hit himself, though; instead he tripped over his own face and sat on his beam katana. The impact of Travis' ass thrust the sword right through the fabric of dimensional sanity. Travis Touchdown had created a florpus hole!

This florpus hole led to the Metaverse, except time flows both rapidly and none at all. Those who inhabit this shadow realm do not die from age, instead maturing into entities the rest of the world cannot even dream of comprehending.

The hole sucked Travis, Judas, Gaz and Rob inside, then closed up.

On the other side, this once bustling realm of Shadows is now nearly lifeless. It evokes the soulless, cold nerve death of purification in its most sinister context. At its desolate, gangrenous, ashen, lightless core, levitated a man suspended by a great array of cables emerging from his face.

This man was none other than the phantom thief Akira Kurusu of lore. But he was no longer a sly teenager. He was now a super-ancient being, over 9 billion years old. He had ascended to deism.

Akira opened his eyes. He dusted off his timeless mask, then focused his sleepy, blurry vision on his dimensional visitors.

"What brings you outerlings to this fine dimension of pure peace and joy?" Ancient Joker wiggled his tentacle beard. He withdrew one from the chamber in which it is anchored. A woman made unhappy noises in protest but was ignored.

Ancient Joker's beard tentacles are actually 69-foot-long penises. Each one is anchored into a slut, which supports his eternal life. Every time he gets a new slut, he grows a new face cock and merges with her too, becoming even more powerful. His sluts are like symbiont batteries.

Ancient Joker dried his face dick off with a divine tissue, gave it a good squirt of the Purell (even eldritch nightmares don't like to catch colds! Sanitize regularly, germ fighting POWER!), then offered it to Rob Swire.

"Greetings, I humbly offer you one of my penes for an amicable dickshake."

Rob furled his nose in abject disgust.  
"You got a lot of nerve. First off, I am a real person, and you are really straddling the line of making this fanfiction into NSFW involving real people. And that's nooo good.

Furthermore, you sir are a minor in canon. Put those dicks away or so help me--"

Rob Swire was cut off by Travis Touchdown smacking him.

"HEY! That's ME who makes all the postmodern jokes, dorito nose! Stay in your lane and get your own gimmick. Aren't you like, really into water bottles or something?"

Travis turned his focus to Ancient Joker.

"I must know by the way, how did you manage to sprout so many extra penises? That must be some extra strong magic. I've only ever been able to sprout a second dong myself, and it's but a micropenis--"

Rob Swire interjected. "YOU HAVE TWO FUCKING COCKS?!

"That's it. I'm so done with this. First I have to meat Cocktulhu, and then Travis McFucking Touches Himself Down There informs me that he has sprouted a second wee-wee through the power of magic alone.

"I'm sorry but I can't take any more of this ridiculous fanfiction. Goodbye."

Rob Swire stole Travis' beam katana, ripped the dimension back open, fucked off to another time, then closed the new florpus hole behind him. He fucked off into another dimension until he vanished, as if he never truly existed, out of this dimension, never to return.

Gaz stared in disbelief.

"Daaamn son, he fucking took the light saber with him too."

Travis Touchdown, exhausted, just sighed then laid down on the fleshy, bloody brimstone and dried cum which formed this world's crust.

"He sure did make off with my light saber. He sure did..."

Gaz stared hopelessly at Travis. "What do we do ?"

Travis shook his head. "Fuck if I know..."


End file.
